As I sat meditating over the first several verses of John 15
today in the relaxing atmosphere of Dobro Tea (in Asheville), I sipped my Huang
Shan Mao Feng tea and tried to focus on every word in every verse. I found myself subconsciously speeding through
a particular part. As I moved onto the
next sentence I became aware that I had skipped something.
In verse three Jesus states, “Already you are clean…” My doubt and insecurities apparently didn’t accept
that one and I skipped it.
Then the Spirit caught me and told me to back up, to
meditate on that line.
Already I am clean.
But am I? I feel so dirty, so
undesirable deep down inside.
I’ve been tainted by sin.
Yes, I know most of the scriptures and hymns about being redeemed,
forgiven, and washed whiter than snow.
But I suppose that when it really comes down to it I don’t feel clean.
I am clean.
“But…” begins my mind, or even “Ha! I wish.”
I wish I could end this saying that while meditating
with that cup of tea today I experienced some sort of nirvana of cleanness and
redemption. But I haven’t. Grace broke through my defenses for a few moments, but it seems it will take more than an hour of meditating to tear down the strongholds in my heart.
Still I am broken. Still I need faith. As the man said to Jesus in Mark 9:24, “I do
believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
